In a Haze

Seriously, I'm walking around in a haze these days. Life with a newborn, a toddler, and a very active 6 year old has me spinning and no end is in sight. At times I feel like breaking down in tears and feeling sorry for myself. And then, I had a reality check.

I read a fantastic blog post last night that totally jerked my fuzzy sleep deprived self out of the clouds and reminded me of the need to be totally and completely present in the now, if I can. The mommy blogger wrote a letter to herself 20 years from now looking back on her life once her children are grown. And she reminded us that all the things we are going through are simply phases that will end and new phases will begin.

And I realized just how right she was. I won't be a walking zombie forever. Eventually, I'll be that mom waiting up late at night for my teenagers to return home from wherever they've galavanted off to for the evening, hoping and praying they make it back to me safely.

I won't always be stepping over legos and blocks on my floor and wiping crumbs off of my coffee table. I won't always be nursing my newborn around the clock. In fact, there will come a time where my house is spotless and I have no one to cook for, and I will be wishing that my kids were here to make that mess again, wishing I had someone to spend my time caring for.  And wow, does this reality make me sad.

I won't lie: I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. But, I am totally and completely overwhelmed and blessed with the love I feel for my children. And while I am tired and struggling to keep my eyes open at times, I am also struggling not to miss out on these precious moments with my little ones. So maybe I can let the toys linger on the living room floor, because who else is going to see them but us? Who cares if there is a sticky residue covering my table after a meal; precious little fingers enjoyed a snack and left the evidence for all to see!

I just need to focus on letting my kids be my kids, appreciate them and practice patience as much as I can. I need to recognize that this too shall pass, and too soon I will be desperately trying to press rewind in order to hold on to as much of their childhood as I possibly can.

I have three beautiful children with a lifetime of possibilities ahead of them. Damn, I'm lucky.

"I was always trying to find the balance between trying my best and being an incredible parent. I literally realized that it was chaos - but it was happy chaos." -Soleil Moon Frye