The Last Time.....

The last time I saw her face

Her eyes were bathed in starlight and her hair hung long

The last time she spoke to me

Her lips were like the scented flowers inside a rain-drenched forest

But that was so long ago that I can scarcely feel

The way I felt before

And if time could heal the wounds

I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I walked with her

Her laughter was the steeple bells, that ring to greet the morning sun

A voice that called to everyone, to love the ground she walked upon

Those were good days

The last time I held her hand

Her touch was autumn, spring and summer and winter too

The last time I let go of her

She walked a way into the night, I lost her in the misty streets

A thousand months, a thousand years,

when other lips will kiss her eyes

A million miles beyond the moon, that's where she is

But that was so long ago

that I can scarcely feel the way I felt before

And if time could heal the wounds

I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I saw her face

Her eyes were bathed in starlight and she walked alone

The last time she kissed my cheek

Her lips were like the wilted leaves, upon the autumn covered hills

Resting on the frozen ground, the seeds of love lie cold and still

Beneath a battered marking stone, it lies forgotten

by: Glen Campbell

The Lord's been good to me..

"The Lord's been good to me, and so I thank the Lord

for giving me the things I need: the sun, the rain, and the appleseed, The Lord's been good to me, Amen."

This is Kelsey's latest prayer, and I have found it very fitting lately. A lot of people might have things to complain about these days: being tired, not having enough money, not having a new car, whatever it is. But really, the Lord's providing us with what we need. The sun rises each morning, the rain replenishes the earth, and the appleseed provides us with food on our table. Everything else seems trivial when you think about these basic needs. And so, I am going to thank the Lord today for all of these things, and thank my precious baby girl for reminding me of all I have to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving to me is about taking some time to stop what we are doing and appreciate those we love. So to my family and friends, I love you and I thank you for giving me the things I need: love, support, and encouragement. To those of you who have been a sounding board, thank you. To those of you who have given me a swift kick in the rear when I needed it, thank you. To those of you who are simply there to remind me that friends and family matter, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays to all.

Missing her...

For some reason last night, I woke up around 2 am very sad and missing my grandmother. It hit me that it has been almost a year since she passed away, and I started replaying in my mind the last moments she and I had together.

Last November, my stepmother and I made a surprise visit to Vero Beach with Kelsey and I had a great weekend spending time with family. Mommo was so shocked to see us walk through the door, and for some reason, I knew in my heart that this might be one of my last moments with her. We enjoyed time together that weekend, went to dinner, and though it was a short visit, it was definitely worth the 16 hour round trip in the car with a 3 year old!

On December 23rd, we rushed from Greenville, SC to Tampa, FL where my grandmother was in critical condition following a bladder removal surgery to rid her of cancer. We were unsure if she would pull through or not, but my brother and I spent 8 hours driving in the car to get to her, were able to spend about 5 hours with her there, and had to turn around and drive another 8 hours to make it home for Christmas Eve. Mommo would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted me to make sure I was home to give Kelsey a Christmas. It was always her favorite holiday. She was barely conscious at all, and we sat and held her hand and talked to her and told her we loved her, and I know she heard. She squeezed my hand, opened her eyes a few times, and nodded. We knew she knew we were there and that was good enough for us.

On December 26th, we made the trek back to Florida again, and on Sunday, December 28th I went back to Tampa to visit my grandmother. Lo and behold, she was sitting up! My Aunt and I walked into the room wearing red shirts and Mommo laughed and said, "Well, Joy to the World!"... ha ha.. she had such a funny sense of humor. She asked me about school, and Kelsey, and we watched some TV together. It was a complete turn-around for the most part.. and then she would snap in and out of delirium. She didn't remember much from Christmas Eve, but in my heart I knew that the family being there for her had helped her pull through.

We spent the entire day with her, and knew she was tired and we should let her rest. Leaving her that day was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I did not want to walk out of that room. I sat there, held her hand, kissed her cheek, smelled her skin and told her that I loved her, just as I always did every time we said goodbye... only this time I lingered a little longer because in my heart, I knew.

My grandmother passed away in the morning on December 31st with her sons and daughters by her side. My brother and I wanted to be there but since we could not be, we did the next best thing. He and I spent the night at Mommo's house together. We would be surrounded by her and memories of her if we could not actually be there at that moment. My Uncle Donnie called to tell us the news. He insisted on doing it himself. I honestly would not have wanted anyone else to deliver that news to me.

And so, it has been almost a year. A year since I saw her last. A year since we spoke our last words to each other, since I held her hand, hugged her neck, kissed her cheek.. a year since I heard her voice. But I have to tell you, I can hear her voice still in my mind. I will catch myself sometimes wishing I could call her, but I can picture exactly in my head how her voice would sound and what she would have said to me... my brother and I honored her memory together last month the afternoon of his graduation from Fort Benning by getting a tattoo.

One of Mommo's favorite songs was "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley. My grandmother LOVED reggae music, thanks to Uncle Donnie dragging her to music festivals and sharing his love of it with her. Mike and I each got our own tattoos of three birds. To me, it symbolizes a few things. First, "3"-- My grandmother, my brother, and I. She was an important fixture in our lives and left a lasting impression forever on our hearts. Each bird also symbolizes to me the past, the present, and the future--- and the idea that we take pieces of those we love with us wherever we go and they will always be with us. Even more so now that my brother is serving in the Army and will be deploying to Afghanistan in 2010, he and I can both carry this with us wherever we go. And finally, the tattoo is a constant reminder that as Bob Marley said, "This is my message to you: Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright."

Those lyrics were stirring in my mind last night as tears rolled down my face. I miss you and love you, Mommo and I know--- every little thing's gonna be alright.

I've always had pride in our country and respect for those who fight for our freedom and defend the rights of the United States of America. But I have to tell you, never until now have I fully comprehended the overwhelming pride of those who have loved ones serving in the military. Sure, we are all proud of our family members for one reason or another (or in some cases, ashamed!), but these past few months have given me a whole new insight into just how much families sacrifice to serve our country.

I admit it. I sport the "My brother is in the army" sticker on my car now. I wear my ARMY shirt with pride. I think about my brother, talk about him, and pray for him every day. While he was in basic training at Fort Benning, I made it my business to support him as much as I could. Whether it was writing letters, sending pictures, or just sending good thoughts his way, I was doing it. And now that he is stationed in Germany and facing a deployment to Afghanistan in June/July of 2010, I find that every bit of news concerning our soldiers now concerns me as well.

My baby brother chose to enlist during one of the most dangerous times in our history. He willingly chooses to go into battle, to serve as an Infantry soldier, and to defend our freedom, our rights, and those of others in this world. I am proud. My brother is in the Army. Hooah.

What to Write, what to do?

I've spent the last few months adding to my brother's personal blog as he journeyed through basic training. I've spent time teaching my students to blog and trying to inspire their thoughts and creativity. And then I realized, I have not blogged for myself in a really long time!

So, here is my attempt to keep me, myself, and my life-- all of it, the "controlled" chaos-- up to date! Because we are far away from family, hopefully this can serve as a better way to keep in touch!

As Bob Dylan said, "Chaos is a friend of mine"... Well hello friend, welcome to my daily life!