Missing her...

For some reason last night, I woke up around 2 am very sad and missing my grandmother. It hit me that it has been almost a year since she passed away, and I started replaying in my mind the last moments she and I had together.

Last November, my stepmother and I made a surprise visit to Vero Beach with Kelsey and I had a great weekend spending time with family. Mommo was so shocked to see us walk through the door, and for some reason, I knew in my heart that this might be one of my last moments with her. We enjoyed time together that weekend, went to dinner, and though it was a short visit, it was definitely worth the 16 hour round trip in the car with a 3 year old!

On December 23rd, we rushed from Greenville, SC to Tampa, FL where my grandmother was in critical condition following a bladder removal surgery to rid her of cancer. We were unsure if she would pull through or not, but my brother and I spent 8 hours driving in the car to get to her, were able to spend about 5 hours with her there, and had to turn around and drive another 8 hours to make it home for Christmas Eve. Mommo would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted me to make sure I was home to give Kelsey a Christmas. It was always her favorite holiday. She was barely conscious at all, and we sat and held her hand and talked to her and told her we loved her, and I know she heard. She squeezed my hand, opened her eyes a few times, and nodded. We knew she knew we were there and that was good enough for us.

On December 26th, we made the trek back to Florida again, and on Sunday, December 28th I went back to Tampa to visit my grandmother. Lo and behold, she was sitting up! My Aunt and I walked into the room wearing red shirts and Mommo laughed and said, "Well, Joy to the World!"... ha ha.. she had such a funny sense of humor. She asked me about school, and Kelsey, and we watched some TV together. It was a complete turn-around for the most part.. and then she would snap in and out of delirium. She didn't remember much from Christmas Eve, but in my heart I knew that the family being there for her had helped her pull through.

We spent the entire day with her, and knew she was tired and we should let her rest. Leaving her that day was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I did not want to walk out of that room. I sat there, held her hand, kissed her cheek, smelled her skin and told her that I loved her, just as I always did every time we said goodbye... only this time I lingered a little longer because in my heart, I knew.

My grandmother passed away in the morning on December 31st with her sons and daughters by her side. My brother and I wanted to be there but since we could not be, we did the next best thing. He and I spent the night at Mommo's house together. We would be surrounded by her and memories of her if we could not actually be there at that moment. My Uncle Donnie called to tell us the news. He insisted on doing it himself. I honestly would not have wanted anyone else to deliver that news to me.

And so, it has been almost a year. A year since I saw her last. A year since we spoke our last words to each other, since I held her hand, hugged her neck, kissed her cheek.. a year since I heard her voice. But I have to tell you, I can hear her voice still in my mind. I will catch myself sometimes wishing I could call her, but I can picture exactly in my head how her voice would sound and what she would have said to me... my brother and I honored her memory together last month the afternoon of his graduation from Fort Benning by getting a tattoo.

One of Mommo's favorite songs was "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley. My grandmother LOVED reggae music, thanks to Uncle Donnie dragging her to music festivals and sharing his love of it with her. Mike and I each got our own tattoos of three birds. To me, it symbolizes a few things. First, "3"-- My grandmother, my brother, and I. She was an important fixture in our lives and left a lasting impression forever on our hearts. Each bird also symbolizes to me the past, the present, and the future--- and the idea that we take pieces of those we love with us wherever we go and they will always be with us. Even more so now that my brother is serving in the Army and will be deploying to Afghanistan in 2010, he and I can both carry this with us wherever we go. And finally, the tattoo is a constant reminder that as Bob Marley said, "This is my message to you: Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright."

Those lyrics were stirring in my mind last night as tears rolled down my face. I miss you and love you, Mommo and I know--- every little thing's gonna be alright.