Just Living the Dream

I haven't blogged in forever. I always intend to make time to write, but like most other things, life often interferes with those good intentions. And when I say life, I might as well just say "Kirby".

My father called me the other day mid-afternoon, and I answered the phone while my 3 year old was in the middle of a full. blown. tantrum. 

"What is she crying about?", he asked.

A better question might have been to ask what ISN'T this child crying about???

To be honest, it has completely slipped my mind now why she was having a tantrum at that moment. Perhaps it is because the episode of Bubble Guppies was over. Maybe her brother walked away with her sippy cup. A leaf might have fallen from a tree in a way that displeased her. With Kirby, you just never know. The logic that is her mind baffles me. Three year olds are crazy. She just turned 3 a few days ago. I'm pretty sure this has been the longest three years of my life so far.

When Dad asks what I've been up to, my response is usually "Just living the dream, Dad", because even in the midst of the craziness that often surrounds me in my home, I am living my dream. For years, I wished for this very thing: to work for an amazing company from my home, and have the opportunity to raise my children while doing something that I love. 

Still, it isn't always easy. There are times that I have to tune out the madness (that is a 1, 3, and 8 year old, two dogs, and a husband) and wrangle the impending insanity in order to gather myself and, well, keep it together. 

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.” 

So this blog, I hope, will be a place for me to attempt to maintain my sanity and UN-tax my mind a bit. My work preaches the mantra that Vulnerability is Sexy, and while I have no problems being honest and upfront, being vulnerable is a bit difficult for me, because it seems so... uncontrolled. In fact, in those moments, I usually cry. (Who am I kidding?  I always cry).

I hope this blog is also a place for me to share my personal journey to choose joy each day, and to hold me accountable! Too often we get caught up with everything that is falling apart around us and focus on the things that are going wrong. I want to focus more on scattering joy--mine and yours--because honestly, we ALL need more of that in our lives.

As I was hanging up the phone with my dad, he laughed and said, "Alright, Go live your dream."

That's the goal. 

People of Wal-Mart

I hate Wal-Mart.

It’s dirty, it’s crowded, and I have to try to maneuver my cart around boxes that are left in the middle of aisles (Certainly this is a fire hazard, right?). It never fails that the strap in the cart is always broken and inevitably I end up with one that has wheels that clank loudly throughout the store as if announcing my arrival around every corner. Each time I leave, I feel like I need to go straight home to take a shower. Each time, I vow to never return.

And the people. There’s a reason there is an entire website dedicated to them. It never fails: If there is a crazy person in Wal-Mart, they will find me. Today was no exception.

I had to go pick up a prescription and return some items I have been putting off returning because: I hate Wal-Mart. While waiting in the Customer Service line of 20 people with only one employee working the register…

Woman Next to Me: “Are those your kids?”

Me: “Yes, they are.”

Woman: “All 3 of them?”

Me: “Uh huh.” (Oh Good, she can count…)

Woman: “See, those girls keep their bows in their hair!”, she tells her own daughter.

Me: “For now, anyway”  (Meanwhile, the line is barely moving)

Woman: “Her hair is really fine, so the bows don’t stay in too good. Oh damn, this rubber band just broke” (She proceeds to try to fix her hair in line).

Me: (Saying nothing at this point.. looking at my phone, talking to the kids)

Woman: “Tomorrow is the 9 year anniversary of my mother’s M-U-R-D-E-R…”

Me: “Oh gosh.. I’m so sorry to hear that” (meanwhile Kelsey has let out a HUGE gasp and her eyes are wide with horror)

Woman: “Oh, can she spell?”, pointing at Kelsey…

Me: “Yes, it’s okay though”, I say as I nod at Kelsey to assure her that is really is okay.

Woman: “Can she?”, pointing at Kirby (My 22 month old)

Me: “Uhm, no.”

Woman: “Oh. Well anyway, I haven’t showered in like a week, I’ve just been really worthless.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry” (I think I might have even taken a few steps away from her at this point)

I really hate Wal-Mart. 

I eventually made it out of the line. Got what I needed to get, and waited another 20 minutes to check out in one of 6 lines out of 50 that were open this afternoon.

As I left Wal-Mart, I vowed to never return yet again. Yet somehow, I’m sure there will be a reason that I will be forced to walk through those automatic doors once again, to be greeted by a not-so-friendly greeter and welcomed into the madness once more.

I went straight home and took a shower. I hope that woman did too.

Mother, May I?

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Do you remember playing the game "Mother, May I?" when you were younger? One person would be the "mother", and he/she would bark orders to the other players. Before the player could follow that order, they must ask, "Mother, May I?", to which Mother would respond, "Yes, You may" or "No, You may not". 

I found myself in a rut the other day, envious of the freedom and flexibility that so many others have right now, or what they appear to have. I became overwhelmed with the thought that so many things were out of my control right now in my life and the reality of that burden weighed heavily on me both physically and emotionally. I am an adult though, right? An adult capable of making decisions and choices for myself, yet I feel as if I have to either do without or ask permission. Mother, May I?

At this point in my life, I live on a schedule dictated by children, and (long) gone are the days where my schedule determined the activities of my day. Want to make a phone call? Better wait until Kirby is napping or quietly focused on an activity. Need to go to the grocery store? Forget that, just order them online and pick them up later. Want something from the mall? HA! Next? Need to use the restroom? Can't. The baby is asleep in my lap and if I move he will wake up and then I'm back to square one again. Shower today? Hopefully I can sneak one in when the husband gets home from work later this evening and before bath times and feedings start again. Everything seems out of my control. Mother, May I?

I shared some of my frustrations with a friend the other afternoon post-my-sorta-breakdown. I admired her ability to take time for herself: to work out, to vacation, to breathe. And she reminded me that I am currently recovering from delivery, raising a newborn, toddler, and 6 year old, and that it will get easier to find the time I am so craving for me. I simply have to ask for that time, or if that is not possible right now, continue creating space for that time so that eventually it will be there for me. When I am ready. When it is right. 

For someone who is so used to being in control and commanding my immediate environment (Hey, teaching middle school is quite the challenge, am I right?), allowing myself to be vulnerable and submitting to the lack of control that I feel at this time is very difficult. And the reality is, it is going to be a while before I am back in charge of everything and I feel that sense of relief and calm. Until then, I need to take control over what I can and accept that it is enough. After all, I am the mother, and the only person I need to ask permission to do things for myself is myself. Kristin, May I?

Yes, You May. 

In a Haze

Seriously, I'm walking around in a haze these days. Life with a newborn, a toddler, and a very active 6 year old has me spinning and no end is in sight. At times I feel like breaking down in tears and feeling sorry for myself. And then, I had a reality check.

I read a fantastic blog post last night that totally jerked my fuzzy sleep deprived self out of the clouds and reminded me of the need to be totally and completely present in the now, if I can. The mommy blogger wrote a letter to herself 20 years from now looking back on her life once her children are grown. And she reminded us that all the things we are going through are simply phases that will end and new phases will begin.

And I realized just how right she was. I won't be a walking zombie forever. Eventually, I'll be that mom waiting up late at night for my teenagers to return home from wherever they've galavanted off to for the evening, hoping and praying they make it back to me safely.

I won't always be stepping over legos and blocks on my floor and wiping crumbs off of my coffee table. I won't always be nursing my newborn around the clock. In fact, there will come a time where my house is spotless and I have no one to cook for, and I will be wishing that my kids were here to make that mess again, wishing I had someone to spend my time caring for.  And wow, does this reality make me sad.

I won't lie: I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. But, I am totally and completely overwhelmed and blessed with the love I feel for my children. And while I am tired and struggling to keep my eyes open at times, I am also struggling not to miss out on these precious moments with my little ones. So maybe I can let the toys linger on the living room floor, because who else is going to see them but us? Who cares if there is a sticky residue covering my table after a meal; precious little fingers enjoyed a snack and left the evidence for all to see!

I just need to focus on letting my kids be my kids, appreciate them and practice patience as much as I can. I need to recognize that this too shall pass, and too soon I will be desperately trying to press rewind in order to hold on to as much of their childhood as I possibly can.

I have three beautiful children with a lifetime of possibilities ahead of them. Damn, I'm lucky.

"I was always trying to find the balance between trying my best and being an incredible parent. I literally realized that it was chaos - but it was happy chaos." -Soleil Moon Frye

Letting Go

The title of my blog is "Controlled Chaos".  I accept the fact that chaos is a part of life, but that doesn't mean that I can easily give up my need to control what I can. That leads me to today. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my little man, though I am extremely ready for him to come, apparently is not ready to meet us yet.

Oh, I've tried all the tricks to bring on labor--walking, spicy foods, fresh pineapple, exercise, bouncing on the trampoline, and a few other highly recommended "remedies" I won't mention--and yet, no baby. I'm having to basically accept the fact that I cannot control the arrival date of my little guy. I. am. not. in. control. here. There, I said it.

So instead of fretting over the fact that he isn't coming on my timeline, I suppose I will just sit back and enjoy the time I have left being pregnant, because this is absolutely the last time I will ever be. This is the last time I will feel this life move inside of me. The last time I will share these intimate moments with my baby, without having to share him with others. Precious and special moments preparing me for the time when I can meet this little soul face to face, though he and I already know each other so well.

"There are some things I can't control, and that's just the way it is". - Susane Colasanti, Waiting For You


Sigh. Ain't that the truth.

Weekly Inspiration

Creating a Daily Schedule: Tips for Any Mommy

Being a stay at home mom is new for me.  I also am juggling the responsibilities of working from home for a small publishing company, while taking care of my 16 month old, managing the household, chauffeuring my 1^st grader to and from school and activities, and being pregnant with baby (surprise) #3.

There are days that I look around my house and think, “What in the world did I even do today?”. Some days are busier than others. There are moments that I feel like I am running around with my head cut off, and then other days where I find myself looking for things to do to fill the excess time. 

But I’m not complaining. I have always wanted this life. I have dreamed about the chance to be a FULL TIME mom to my girls, a FULL TIME wife to my husband, and feel blessed to be able to enjoy a career on top of it, all from the comfort of my own home!

It has come to the point where I need to create a daily schedule for myself. And for the most part, the schedule has created itself along the way, but I need to be sure to write in some more time for those things I want to be doing as well as need to be doing.

Tips to Remember:

1. Easiest things to add to the schedule: The kids’ wake up times and bedtimes!
2. Schedule your meals! And with little ones, this is pretty easy to do. Around here, if we are running late for dinner, our little one quickly lets us know we have missed our time!
3. Break up chores: It is not necessary to clean everything every day, or to do everything in one day.
4. Schedule YOU time! While it is important to organize activities and “To Do’s”, it is also important to remember to schedule time for JUST YOU, time where you exercise, take a deep breath, and even time where you can simply do nothing, and not feel guilty. 
5. Don’t be too hard on yourself if something on your schedule goes undone. It will happen eventually. The goal of having a schedule is to give you some peace of mind, and then allow yourself the flexibility to reschedule as necessary. And any mom will appreciate this advice!