Empty Nest

It's quiet around our house this week. Kelsey is in Florida visiting with my family and having the time of her life. We are enjoying our time alone as well, but her absence is absolutely felt! There is no coloring, no dress-up or games of pretend, and no Barbie movies playing on the DVD player. No sounds of Dora the Explorer or the Backyardigans, and no little hugs and kisses from my sweet baby girl. Joey and I are going to take a mini-vacation this week to Savannah and enjoy our time together (as it may be our last for a while!) and will get to pick up Kelsey on our way home.

An unknown author once said, "A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer". I am looking forward to my bright days and warm heart returning when baby girl comes home!

Happy Birthday, Mommo

At the rising sun and at its going down, we remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, we remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn, we remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us, As we remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make, we remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share, we remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs, we remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, For they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

(From the Gates of Prayer Reform Judaism Prayer Book)

I miss you and love you, Mommo. Happy birthday to my special grandmother.
Sending hugs and kisses to heaven. XOXO

2/17/37 – 12/31/08

It's the final countdown!!!

I admit it, the music from Europe's hit song The Final Countdown is now playing in my head.. "do do do do, do do do do do... It's the Final Countdown!". As I approach my 29th birthday this week, I realize that I am nearing a milestone in my life and the countdown to the BIG 3-0 will begin. Who knew that my 20's would fly by so quickly? Who knew that my youth would be over in a blink of an eye? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to wish away the next year of my life, I am trying to confront reality and accept the fact that time flies by. So welcome 29, I'm going to make sure that I send my 20's out in style this year.

2010

2010. A new year, a new decade. Two Thousand and Ten, or Twenty Ten, whatever you call it, welcome to it. New Year brings to mind a new start, resolutions that will go unmet, and yet a hope that we have a chance to make things right. 2010.

I’ve started thinking about what will happen in my life in 2010 that I can already expect: 1) I turn 29 years old. That last year in my twenties. Ugh. Enough said. 2) I move on to year two without my grandmother. It’s not going to be any easier, but maybe won’t seem as weird because we’ve done this once already. We’ve been through monumental moments without her here, we’ve celebrated holidays with her glaring absence noticed, but we’ve survived. Year two won’t be any better without her, but maybe will feel a bit more normal. 3) My brother deploys to Afghanistan. This is one thing I am trying not to think about on a daily basis but the reality is that he will be sent off to war to defend freedom and democracy in a place that many of us would never even dream of going. While I am so proud, I am also a very worried big sister. 4) Kelsey turns 5 years old this year. Five Years Old. Where has the time gone? I’ve watched my little girl grow up right before my eyes and yet I am asking where every moment has gone? I just might have a breakdown in October, FYI. 5) So many of my good friends are welcoming babies into their lives this year. I am so happy for them and can’t wait to share the love and joy that I have felt with my own daughter and know that they have experienced it too.

So Twenty Ten—I’m ready for you. Ready for the chaos that you will bring, and I will do my best to control what I can and give to God what I cannot!

“Chaos in the world brings uneasiness, but it also allows the opportunity for creativity and growth.”- Tom Barrett

The Last Time.....

The last time I saw her face

Her eyes were bathed in starlight and her hair hung long

The last time she spoke to me

Her lips were like the scented flowers inside a rain-drenched forest

But that was so long ago that I can scarcely feel

The way I felt before

And if time could heal the wounds

I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I walked with her

Her laughter was the steeple bells, that ring to greet the morning sun

A voice that called to everyone, to love the ground she walked upon

Those were good days

The last time I held her hand

Her touch was autumn, spring and summer and winter too

The last time I let go of her

She walked a way into the night, I lost her in the misty streets

A thousand months, a thousand years,

when other lips will kiss her eyes

A million miles beyond the moon, that's where she is

But that was so long ago

that I can scarcely feel the way I felt before

And if time could heal the wounds

I would tear the threads away that I might bleed some more

The last time I saw her face

Her eyes were bathed in starlight and she walked alone

The last time she kissed my cheek

Her lips were like the wilted leaves, upon the autumn covered hills

Resting on the frozen ground, the seeds of love lie cold and still

Beneath a battered marking stone, it lies forgotten

by: Glen Campbell

The Lord's been good to me..

"The Lord's been good to me, and so I thank the Lord

for giving me the things I need: the sun, the rain, and the appleseed, The Lord's been good to me, Amen."

This is Kelsey's latest prayer, and I have found it very fitting lately. A lot of people might have things to complain about these days: being tired, not having enough money, not having a new car, whatever it is. But really, the Lord's providing us with what we need. The sun rises each morning, the rain replenishes the earth, and the appleseed provides us with food on our table. Everything else seems trivial when you think about these basic needs. And so, I am going to thank the Lord today for all of these things, and thank my precious baby girl for reminding me of all I have to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving to me is about taking some time to stop what we are doing and appreciate those we love. So to my family and friends, I love you and I thank you for giving me the things I need: love, support, and encouragement. To those of you who have been a sounding board, thank you. To those of you who have given me a swift kick in the rear when I needed it, thank you. To those of you who are simply there to remind me that friends and family matter, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays to all.

Missing her...

For some reason last night, I woke up around 2 am very sad and missing my grandmother. It hit me that it has been almost a year since she passed away, and I started replaying in my mind the last moments she and I had together.

Last November, my stepmother and I made a surprise visit to Vero Beach with Kelsey and I had a great weekend spending time with family. Mommo was so shocked to see us walk through the door, and for some reason, I knew in my heart that this might be one of my last moments with her. We enjoyed time together that weekend, went to dinner, and though it was a short visit, it was definitely worth the 16 hour round trip in the car with a 3 year old!

On December 23rd, we rushed from Greenville, SC to Tampa, FL where my grandmother was in critical condition following a bladder removal surgery to rid her of cancer. We were unsure if she would pull through or not, but my brother and I spent 8 hours driving in the car to get to her, were able to spend about 5 hours with her there, and had to turn around and drive another 8 hours to make it home for Christmas Eve. Mommo would have wanted it that way. She would have wanted me to make sure I was home to give Kelsey a Christmas. It was always her favorite holiday. She was barely conscious at all, and we sat and held her hand and talked to her and told her we loved her, and I know she heard. She squeezed my hand, opened her eyes a few times, and nodded. We knew she knew we were there and that was good enough for us.

On December 26th, we made the trek back to Florida again, and on Sunday, December 28th I went back to Tampa to visit my grandmother. Lo and behold, she was sitting up! My Aunt and I walked into the room wearing red shirts and Mommo laughed and said, "Well, Joy to the World!"... ha ha.. she had such a funny sense of humor. She asked me about school, and Kelsey, and we watched some TV together. It was a complete turn-around for the most part.. and then she would snap in and out of delirium. She didn't remember much from Christmas Eve, but in my heart I knew that the family being there for her had helped her pull through.

We spent the entire day with her, and knew she was tired and we should let her rest. Leaving her that day was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I did not want to walk out of that room. I sat there, held her hand, kissed her cheek, smelled her skin and told her that I loved her, just as I always did every time we said goodbye... only this time I lingered a little longer because in my heart, I knew.

My grandmother passed away in the morning on December 31st with her sons and daughters by her side. My brother and I wanted to be there but since we could not be, we did the next best thing. He and I spent the night at Mommo's house together. We would be surrounded by her and memories of her if we could not actually be there at that moment. My Uncle Donnie called to tell us the news. He insisted on doing it himself. I honestly would not have wanted anyone else to deliver that news to me.

And so, it has been almost a year. A year since I saw her last. A year since we spoke our last words to each other, since I held her hand, hugged her neck, kissed her cheek.. a year since I heard her voice. But I have to tell you, I can hear her voice still in my mind. I will catch myself sometimes wishing I could call her, but I can picture exactly in my head how her voice would sound and what she would have said to me... my brother and I honored her memory together last month the afternoon of his graduation from Fort Benning by getting a tattoo.

One of Mommo's favorite songs was "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley. My grandmother LOVED reggae music, thanks to Uncle Donnie dragging her to music festivals and sharing his love of it with her. Mike and I each got our own tattoos of three birds. To me, it symbolizes a few things. First, "3"-- My grandmother, my brother, and I. She was an important fixture in our lives and left a lasting impression forever on our hearts. Each bird also symbolizes to me the past, the present, and the future--- and the idea that we take pieces of those we love with us wherever we go and they will always be with us. Even more so now that my brother is serving in the Army and will be deploying to Afghanistan in 2010, he and I can both carry this with us wherever we go. And finally, the tattoo is a constant reminder that as Bob Marley said, "This is my message to you: Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright."

Those lyrics were stirring in my mind last night as tears rolled down my face. I miss you and love you, Mommo and I know--- every little thing's gonna be alright.